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Talk:Tilly Manchester/@comment-39103377-20190920103830
I don't understand the purpose of Tilly Manchester being a Proxy is she is never once close to one, introduced to one as well as the fact she most likely is monitored by police to prevent further questions as to why her parents never live to see another day compared to their adopted daughter. Now, I know that writing stories can be quite a difficult task, I've recently had the issue of sectioning out Sabrina's storyline in my new story known as "One Step Closer". It's not easy to do all this but, you have to read through what you have wrote to avoid spelling and grammar errors, plot-holes as well as lack of introduction/development/conclusion. If I were to go back and look at Tilly's origin again, everything seems too rushed for my liking. Almost as if, on the spot, you just went with the flow and never even bothered to take a second glance at your work. In all honesty Fav Foxy Yt, it's not good enough. Despite the fact I do enjoy stories that end with both an anonymous stalker/killer as well as a cliffhanger, you didn't execute the ideas in a sensible way. How? I'll give you a reason why each one has some form of a flaw to her backstory: A. "And I oop-''" - This is quite minor but, if you are going to write about how an orphan was place in an orphanage for (insert how long Tilly spent because the story never explains) only for later on in her life, all three families were brutally murdered by a complete stranger, I don't appreciate the lack of seriousness in stories that try to add "memes" to make an attempt at humour. It wasn't something I originally was going to choose as, like I explained before, it was a minor offense but due to the poor execution, it deserves something on my list of flaws. B. '''The Sections for Each Parent' - Jeez, this is where you really didn't proof-read your work (review the work produced to inspect any errors). Grammar mistakes such as "It was a nice apartment, everything was well kept books were they are supposed to be, the living room desk was organized, and even the seating areas." where a colon needed to be introduced after the word "well" since you were listing the multiple different factors of the home contributing to the idea of the house seeming wonderful for Tilly. Spelling mistakes such as "One month alter there came another parent who came to pick me up, this time they looked fancy." which I can clearly tell should have been "later" with a comma missing after the word. C. The Cliff-hanger with the Facts - So, you mean to tell me that after going to a police station, Tilly is a Proxy? Excuse me if the facts are still wanting to be changed after this but, you need to add thd the category of "Work In Progress" if you are planning to write a completely different origin and wait a while before changing anything else. Still, with that casted aside, the cliff-hanger was so...dis-satisfying. Tilly just waits in a police station where they may place her with a new idenitity, trained forces will guard her and a new family will be set for her until she turns the appropriate age of 18. And the worst part of the story, which is never a good sign to see, is the fact that the killer is too mysterious. It seems to be, in my eyes, another child who could have been jealous of Tilly and, for some reason with all the possibly stolen equipment to do so, procceeded to murder both Tilly's parents and her hopes of being connected into a new family. In conclusion, Tilly has potential but, the execution as well as the poor grammar really ruins it for me the most. You need to proof-read it before posting or else issues like these appear.